A farmer purchased an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields were grown over with weeds, the farmhouse was falling apart, and the fences were broken down. During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man's work, saying, "May you and God work together to make this the farm of your dreams!" A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the farmer. Lo and behold, it's a completely different place. The farm house is completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there is plenty of cattle and other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields are filled with crops planted in neat rows. "Amazing!" the preacher says. "Look what God and you have accomplished together!" "Yes, reverend," says the farmer, "but remember what the farm was like when God was working it alone!"

Once there was a beautiful woman who loved to work in her vegetable garden, but no matter what she did, she couldn't get her tomatoes to ripen. Admiring her neighbor's garden, which had beautiful bright red tomatoes, she went one day and inquired of him his secret. "It's really quite simple," the old man explained. "Twice each day, in the morning and in the evening, I expose myself in front of the tomatoes and they turn red with embarrassment." Desperate for the perfect garden, she tried his advice and proceeded to expose herself to her plants twice daily. Two weeks passed and her neighbor stopped by to check her progress. "So," he asked, "any luck with your tomatoes?" "No," she replied excitedly... "but you should see the size of my cucumbers!!"

People are like potatoes! Some people never seem motivated to participate, but are content to watch others... They are called "Speck Tators". Some are always looking to cause problems and really get under your skin... They are called "Aggie Tators". There are those who are always saying they will, but somehow, they never get around to doing... We call them "Hezzie Tators". Some folks spent a lot of time sitting and peering into their garden... They are called "Medi Tators". There are those that try to maximize their crop yields while reducing expenses... We call them "Compu Tators".

Short ones Gardening requires lots of water - most of it in the form of perspiration. Why do potatoes make good detectives? Because they keep their eyes peeled. What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter? Pumpkin Pi. What do you call a stolen yam? A hot potato. A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill except for learning how to grow in rows. Why are husbands like lawn mowers? They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells, and don't work half the time. What does the letter "A" have in common with a flower? They both have bees coming after them. A Veggie New Age Song: Peas would rule the planets, and love would clear the bars. It was the dawning of the Age of Asparagus. What can you make from baked beans and onions? Tear gas. What kind of flowers do you give to King Tut? Chrysanthemummies. Where did the vegetables go to have a few drinks? The Salad Bar. What do you call a mushroom who buys everyone drinks and is the life of the party? A fun-gi. Do you know what the height of passion is? Two old maids playing squat tag in their asparagus patch.

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